mail to LLRR this early morning:
I often wonder how richer life would be if we told our children not to worry so much about getting into the rat race and learning instead how to live and savour life. How much richer would we be if we grew up armed with that little secret? Choose one path or the other but never waver between them for you will never find peace and happiness if you waver between them, trying to find a short and disquiet balance - a semblance of peace.
It is to that end that I find the scrabbling little voice within me - the little annoying nasty one always yearning for the truth, uncaring if it hurts you or not, uninterested if it moves you forward or backward through life. That nagging little voice that you know always seems to get you into trouble and that you will try to suppress when you reach that golden age of 30 years upon this Earth. I have heard its whisper for some time and its little coarse whisper has done for my head much as a cymbal would do in a closed closet when banged together at full force. It has clanged and clamoured and reverberted through my head and the tiny rivulets have stirred something inside me. Could I have said this in fewer words? no. Could someone else? Of course - but I enjoy the words. And the sound of my own voice unspoken as I read the words in my head as I write them with my fingers upon the screen, as I say them to you and you only.
Why is it that you will not find the courage to tell me? That you hide behind tales of work and play. It will not be the first time that I will be called arrogant and presumptuous. I am guilty on both counts and am intent and happy to continue upon my way - for now. I feel that you are taking this opportunity, forced or unforced, to not spend time with me for you know what slippery slopes I am capable of leading you upon and that my mind is oulded by thoughts of being with you.
I feel that I have been through some interesting time - good and bad, and had an adventure to fill a book with many pages of small print. I feel that I want you. Not because I am lonely, or sad, or happy, of which I am all, or because you think that I think that I need you in my life. As Harry once said, "you go through life looking for that one person to spend the rest of your life with, and when you find them, you want the rest of your life to start right away" - or something like that.
I am not good at letting sleeping dogs lie and am always looking for resolution. I am a man of finites and for colouring in the margins of life. I do not like letting ambiguousity flourish. I am, perhaps, too staid in that respect for you. I am sad that we cannot be together, and sadder yet that we seem to have lost the time for each other - forced or unforced. It is hard for me as I feel that I have of late driven you away with my outpouring of physical affection. Please accept my deepest apologies - I will say again that it has never been my intention to make you feel uncomfortable, nor make you feel guilty in enjoying the pleasures of fantasy with me. I am tired of testing our capacity for emotional stress. In this, perhaps I am saying this for me more so that you - I am letting you go. I do not fancy that you were ever mine to have, but for in my own heart and soul, I am forced to place you in one camp or the other and I am letting you free of any emotional ties. I have a feeling that you have found it for yourself already but have bottled it within you somewhere and never allowed yourself to love me fully - and I understand that you could not. I only wish that you had told me, as one life friend to another, rather than leaving me to linger and smoulder in the dark corners of our relationship.
I am unsure if this message, rolled amongst the pompous verbal diarrhoea will make you angry or not. I assure you that I respect you, am tremendously fond of you, and will continue to care for you until the end of my days upon this Earth. I shall be happy to hear from you at any time that you wish to speak to me. I shall, for my part, cease to try to be anything more than a friend. You already know how much you mean to me and my feeling for you.
Messages come to me in movies. I feel that again, my life is at a crossroads. An intersection of such mist and uncertainty, whose roads stretch far into the endless horizon, as for me to recognize it as a point in my life wherein decisions will effect more than I can fathom. I choose not to make the decision, but to work hard and let God point me down the road that he has prepared for me. I must remain true to myself and the values for which I fight - in thought, word and deed. I have comprimised myself many times for short-term gain, which turned out not to be gain at all, and have regretted it bitterly. Like a cast away on a lonely deserted isle, I will continue to breathe and live, and accept pain and rejection wherever I find it, for the sun will rise again tomorrow, and each day arises anew from the deep dark depths of the horizon, and who knows what new treasure the next tide may bring ? - that I may be released from my torment, my anguish, and my terrible lonliness.
Please turn to your beloved and love him with all your might and all yoru spirit for he deserves your focus and attention - he will learn in time to do the same for you. Be patient. I hope that you will not hate me long, and know that my fervent wishes are for your happiness and your finding the richness that this short life has to offer us all. So sit back on your little part of the beach and watch the sun rise, and realize that the deserted island isn't so deserted afterall, and remember to wave to the strange-looking little boy over there with the glasses on. The one with the funny hair, and bright eyes. Wave to me sometime.
