Good morning sweetie. Please be patient with me. I am unhappy with a great deal of things and I am blessed to have you as a powerfully positive influence in my life. Please keep being positive. I can't thank you enough for being with me and holding my hand. Even an expression to want to be with me is a tremendous salve for my burdened soul. I have a lot of patience, and understanding and I like you enormously.

My sexual being and attendant dysfunction is a big and terrible, evil demon on my back, feeding ravenously on my spirit and I have heard you tell me that you lose interest. That, in turn, boosts thoughts about my inadequacies and my revolving thoughts about you and my speculation on your thoughts that you are disinterested with me and my attendant baggage, and want to pursue a long-term relationship elsewhere. I know that those thoughts have no merit but I am unable to shake them off without some hope from you.

I was goign to email this to you but I stopped and thought about it for a long time and decided not to. I am scared.

Euthymic? Dysthemic?

Is S falling out of love with me?
Do I make her feel bad?
I can see her patience wearing thin and falling away like the dust of old mortar from ancient bricks.
I so want to be happy
and I want her to be happy.
I am depressed.
I fear that to say it is to lose the very thing that keeps me sane: S.
I wouldn't blame her, though. I wouldn't wish me upon anyone. I've managed to make a pretty decent pig's breakfast of my life so far.

I am depressed.
I hate my existence.
It is grotesque.
Life is better off
without me.
I am a failure
in every part of my life
and I can't seem to see the good in things anymore.
There is no-one on this Earth to talk to whom I love.
So why am I trapped in this existence?

I can feel the life
draining out of me.
Like water from a cracked pot.
It dribbles out
and you try
to catch it with your hand
underneath.
It runs through
your fingers
and the wet,
cool
moist skin
is all that
reminds you
that my life
even existed.
It lies now formless
in a wasted,
ugly,
useless
pool
on the floor.
Someone else's problem now.