18 March 2006

Good morning sweetie. Please be patient with me. I am unhappy with a great deal of things and I am blessed to have you as a powerfully positive influence in my life. Please keep being positive. I can't thank you enough for being with me and holding my hand. Even an expression to want to be with me is a tremendous salve for my burdened soul. I have a lot of patience, and understanding and I like you enormously.

My sexual being and attendant dysfunction is a big and terrible, evil demon on my back, feeding ravenously on my spirit and I have heard you tell me that you lose interest. That, in turn, boosts thoughts about my inadequacies and my revolving thoughts about you and my speculation on your thoughts that you are disinterested with me and my attendant baggage, and want to pursue a long-term relationship elsewhere. I know that those thoughts have no merit but I am unable to shake them off without some hope from you.

I was goign to email this to you but I stopped and thought about it for a long time and decided not to. I am scared.

Euthymic? Dysthemic?

Is S falling out of love with me?
Do I make her feel bad?
I can see her patience wearing thin and falling away like the dust of old mortar from ancient bricks.
I so want to be happy
and I want her to be happy.
I am depressed.
I fear that to say it is to lose the very thing that keeps me sane: S.
I wouldn't blame her, though. I wouldn't wish me upon anyone. I've managed to make a pretty decent pig's breakfast of my life so far.

I am depressed.
I hate my existence.
It is grotesque.
Life is better off
without me.
I am a failure
in every part of my life
and I can't seem to see the good in things anymore.
There is no-one on this Earth to talk to whom I love.
So why am I trapped in this existence?

I can feel the life
draining out of me.
Like water from a cracked pot.
It dribbles out
and you try
to catch it with your hand
underneath.
It runs through
your fingers
and the wet,
cool
moist skin
is all that
reminds you
that my life
even existed.
It lies now formless
in a wasted,
ugly,
useless
pool
on the floor.
Someone else's problem now.

08 February 2006

I have always known that the heart is disconnected to the body and mind. The heart being the metaphysical description of our soul. S broke up with me on sunday night - in her defence, not so much of a breakup as telling me that she had and was feeling no love for me at all, and never has. It's another wrenching tale of unrequited love - maybe. We'll see. We're going to try that difficult thing: to be seeing one another and not "be seeing" one another. Or perhaps we've downgraded from "person whom I'm seeing", to "person I'm hanging out with". Either way, I'm glad to be able to see and hold her again. My heart just hasn't caught up and I spend the better part of the morning aloof from life and still in the doldrums of a recovering heartbreak.

07 February 2006

Are you looking for me?

Why do you look for words from me on a page that I do not frequent? Have I not said that I do not have the words to fully express my anguish? Would you rather not hear my voice and hear the trembling sobs as they rush into me like mountaneous waves?

I am awake now (I should say that it is 2am and I am still awake) and I am still trying to come to grips with my unrequited love for you. It is hours since I should have been in bed and slumbering to rest not only my soul, but my body, which has lately shown signs of being unable to cope with the stress of no longer being with you. The nerves in my toe, lately accused of being from exercise, is likely pains from gout. Brought on by too much orange juice, nuts and raisins, too little water, and an overdose of eggs these past days. Exacerbated by stress.

In any case, I am still adrift and unsure, and less willing to get on than ever before. I don't know if I am much wiser being older, but I do know that I am less ready and willing to bounce back quickly from this sort of rejection.

I'm really not saying much. I haven't found the words to say anything important enough. The same phrases keep reappearing in my mouth like the repeating patterns in a kaleidoscope. I miss you. And then my voice wavers and my eyes water from the weight of emotions welling up in them. I cry and sob in muffled gasps into the cloth of the sofa. I rub my eyes and stifle the un-manly sniffling. Only to see your soft hair and sparkling blue eyes. The part of me that loves you is aghast, confused, incredulous and is standing there in the darkness, head cocked with an expression as if someone has asked it a questions too hard for it to answer. More than that, it is holding up its shoulders and mouth agape in disbelief. I will have to sneak up on it and kill it quickly - before it kills me with grief.

The good tells me that love does not possess. It tells me that you can still be a friend. The evil bombards me constantly with doubt and despair. I don't know why I am allowed to fall so hard. I wonder if there is much left of the believing, trusting, loving little boy inside me? I fear that he is being torn apart again and again by the foulest demons that hate what little good is left inside me. I hope that you managed to see a little bit of him before you left. Your hand clasping mine was like drops of water to a thirsting soul.

I've lost something which I never had. It is a strange paradox. It is perhaps like a bird which has flown away from the gilded cage wherein it was loved. One poured out food, and water, and gifts and love. But away it flew and did not look back, for its heart was elsewhere. It's destiny lay elsewhere and although you knew this, it still pained your heart to suffer the loss of something so precious, so beautiful and so innocent as a bird. You should not perhaps have given it your love, but you could not help it. For you wanted it to love you.

'If you ever want something badly, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with." who wrote this sh*t? I hate it because it might be true. I have to let you go, and in my heart to do that would be to kill the love that remains for you. I hope and pray that you have the patience and the courage to hang in there while I do this and keep talking to me. Otherwise I shall never be able to be the friend that I was, and I am afraid that I will become a motionless and emotionless ghost - unknowing of who you are and unremembering of the happiness that we shared. Even if for a short time - It was one of the happiest days of my life.

06 February 2006

Where am I?

You must find once more
the long and lonely nights
trying to understand
and trying to see the visions
of the helpless and confused mind

the images swirl
in the dark ceilings of the bedroom
and the mind drifts in warm hazy visions
of our time together

the answers are there
in that place deep within us
where we know who we are
where we know what we are
where we are complete

My love lives there
deep within the smallest seed
buried within the deepest, darkest
crevices of your soul

Smiling and sobbing
crying softly
waving as bravely as it can
for there is no mirror
and no light

if you do not look for it
you will not find it
it is buried amid the dark
recesses of you

spaces you have hidden so long ago
forgotten that they exist.
together they cry out in the unheard wailing
deep within your heart

on those days you sit
and stare into the cloudy skies
or gaze undisturbed
into the empty spaces in your home

the little voice of my love
is all that I have left inside you
it is me
sitting quietly on a small wooden stool
waiting to be called to love again

I am here
waiting for you
when you are
ready

23 January 2006

Caution: adult material. Suggestive scenes and strong language. Not recommended for minors The author reserves all rights and any resemblance to characters, people or places real or imagined are purely coincidental and is not in any way meant to depict events past, present or future, real or imagined. If, on the other hand, you are willing to partake of potentially similar situations, settings or actions, please apply directly to the author as tranmittor of this email and disclaimer.

End of narration.

A boy and a girl are walking together; hand in hand.
They are dressed casually and strolling leisurely
along the pedestrian path that leads around the Stanley Park seawall .
It is a cool, moist day, and a hint of spray is in the air as they walk along
A typical wet winter afternoon in Vancouver.
He points out the sights and makes comments, witty and historical.
She smiles and laughs at each one, grasping his hand.
turn the corner and a beautiful expanse of the sea lies open before them.
There are a few ships in the harbour and a few joggers and cyclists in the distance.
They both survey the scene and he is about to say something
when she turns and reaches up, kisses him fully.

He is stunned for a moment.
She pulls his head to her lips and their eyes close.
It is black.
They can feel the soft ridges of the other person's lips on their own.
The changing intensity of soft, almost dismissive touches,
to the firm pressing of lips and the swirling of tongues in each other's mouth.
Their mouths stop moving as their concentration is focused on the slow, deliberate moving of the tongues - tips, the smooth undersides, the rough top.
She can feel something stirring within him.
Soft moans belie a spring being compressed.
Her hands feel the firm muscles of his shoulders and she can feel him beginning to tense.
He is aroused.
His hands drop from her waist, but not before he gives her hips a firm squeeze.
To remind her body of the firm grasp of lovemaking.
They travel down and feel the warm, smooth curve of the buttocks.
Feeling the line of her panties against her pants.
He hesitates, unsure, and moves his hands back to her waist.
She is disappointed.
Her body is pressed up against him.
Her soft breasts crushed against his chest.
Still the tongues continue their twirling dance, covered in the joined mouths.

Then suddenly the lips part.
He feels the moist reminder on his lips.
The taste of her lips is intoxicating.
Sweet. Soft. Seductive.
He opens his eyes and sees her smiling.
He has no thoughts now;
but to put an arm around her waist and pull her body to him.
He other hand cradles her head.
Lips moistened as they touch hers.
He is surprised.
Her tongue is aggressive. Insistent. Invading.
Pressing into his mouth and shoving his aside.
The aggressor is being violated.
Even as he hovers over her, it is her tongue which is forcing into his mouth
strong, muscular, potent.
He tries to regain control but her hands circle him in mirror of his own.
He can't move.
The tongues thrash around in a wet, probing battle.
He wasn;t ready for this.
He is aroused.
And presses firmly against her leg.
She can feel him, and her tongue relents.
They breathe with locked mouths;
feeling the blast of wam air on the side of their cheeks.
And they part again.

They are both dizzy.
He more than her.
The air is cold.
Their bodies are warm.
Their lips wet, warm and impatient.
She rests her head against his chest and can feel the drum-like beat of his heart
as it pounds the blood.
Her hands drop and clasp his, as he rests his chin on her head.
She can hear his quickened breath
and feel the pulsating, throb of his loins.
Almost shaking as the body prepares.
He fancies that she is moist.
Ready and willing.
His mind dances - from dizziness,
and from images of a long afternoon
of a moaning, groaning, sweaty, thrusting, gasping
fuck.

She squeezes his hand.
They are in public and miles away from home.
He is still dazed and miles away.
His narration of the views
end.
She is happy.
A peaceful afternoon to enjoy the views.
In quiet reflection.

12 January 2006

Disconnected.

When she said the word, I thought that she was referring to how she felt in reference to her surrounding and where she was; in Korea, teaching. Now I realise that she was actually referring to us, our relationship, and how she was feeling more and more detached from me because I was feeling more and more, without her.

I am so intense and pour out too much love when the spark is only just there in the kindling - too much wind and too much wood upon the prye of our relationship, and the fire is going out. I'm sorry, Shan. I haven't learned to spoon the love out drop by drop yet.

You deserved better from me. And I deserved better from me.

Please forgive me.

Alas, I will have to learn to forgive myself first.

11 January 2006

You said an interesting thing about love the other day. About, if I may paraphrase, unqualified and unconditional love. I am not perfect. I may be so bold as to say that I am deeply flawed on many levels (yes, I am usually fairly hard on myself, it's the English way), but when it comes to love, I can only offer it all up, if I am to receive everything that I can from a relationship. I don't want to look back and wonder if things might have been different if I had loved and gave of myself more. To say the opposite is true but unworthy and not how I want to remember people. I do not say that it does not have an effect on me, that I should pour out love each waking moment and be happy not to receive it in return? I am not perfect. And there will be times when I need attention and a little sign that my affections and appreciated, then I will return to be stoic and give even more of myself. I do not ask that you be there in your relationship with me, not yet and maybe never, I shall be content to hear one day that you are at least interested in moving in that direction.