Ei hab a code id by doze

Actually it's all over me, but mainly concentrated in my head. So perhaps it is a head cold. I nearly did not come into work this morning because I have a bad headache and the nagging concern that I've forgotten to do something. The throat is not getting better and I shall be going into Remembrance Day with a sick head and a sore throat and some dicky thing or other. Dicky heart, dicky bladder, dicky leg - something's got to give sooner or later. The whole logistics officer thing has thrown me into a funk and a big blue funk at that. I remind myself that I haven't been despondent and exactly lethargic these past 6 years at the Seaforths and they have time and again called upon my time and effort and I am finally taking a mental breather, except that there are no breathers allotted - mental or otherwise.

I am tired in many ways, but I keep reminding myself - rightly or wrongly, that the effort alone is well worth it and that the drive to accomplish things embues energy in and of itself. But am I merely wearing myself down. There are some days when I wonder if all this effort and pain and suffering and doubt and fear and guilt and struggle - is really worth it.

I console my self - soul and body that it is, in fact the struggle and all that makes life itself, not the momentary solitute, peace and pseudo-spiritual "awakening" that we tell ourselves that we have experienced when we walk through the primaeval jungle or gaze at the known world below from the top of the mountain, is the very essense of life. Of our struggle to overcome the vast gulf between the way we are and they way we can be.

From time to time, we all very often find ourselves huddled in the expansive dark corners of our conscience, bundling our knees into ourselves and screaming out for help. Wondering and worrying about money, relationships, work etc. How much more could we be if we really tried and not wallowed in mediocrity simply because it was easy to be just that? DO get by with a modicum of effort. That must be the very central thing that gnaws away at us - out human potential crying out at us, telling us to be bold and free and yearns to see a true effort and not the mere fruits of that's-all-I-need-to-do-to-get-ahead - hang around. Is it? There is something more. It is certainly part of me. There is a bound spirit that yearns to be free and life as we are meant to that finds itself muffled and chained by circumstance and fear/guilt. Do I really have what it takes?

I don't know. i think about my very short existence in a battle zone and cringe that I may get myself and others uselessly slaughtered because I was either too cautious or not cautious enough. I don't see a warrior when I look at myself. I rather see a General. But who in their right mind would let a 3-rate logistics old man with the body of a old prosperous merchant take soldiers into battle?

Geoff Atkins is here: "you could get shot if you took this long to get an answer in battle".

Typical.